It Was all just a dream

Photo Credit:  Ryan Mazrim

It started as a dream. I dreamt of owning my own business, but not just any business: I wanted to create art and reveal the beauty in every woman…hell, every HUMAN. Dreams are easy. You get wrapped up in the fantasy, easily drifting off on thought streams about how much fun it would be, how amazing it would feel to be able to give this experience, of how much ART you could create! But incubating a dream and birthing it into a reality are two very different things, and the labor pains I have endured giving life to my dream have been all too real.

I took my first photography class in high school. My mom bought me a used Pentax from the camera shop in downtown Iowa City, and a 30-year+ love affair began. Almost immediately, I began viewing the world as a potential photo composition. I wanted to take pictures of everything and everyone…and I tried very hard to accomplish that! My friends were frequently roped into posing for me, often having to don costumes or go on an adventure to do so. I learned how to roll my own film spools in a pitch black room, learning the process by touch. I would spend hours in the dark room experimenting with developing techniques and crops. It was my happy place.

Then life did what life does. I became a mom, a wife, a business woman. I had adult responsibilities and adult worries. I neglected my love. I lost my art. All the years of my youth spent creating images, drawings, writing poetry and essays, abandoned like old toys I had outgrown. I thought, well that was that. I was an artist, but now I’m a grown-up and I don’t get to be an artist anymore. But just like you can only hold your breath so long before your body fights to take a breath, I could only let my creativity lay stagnant for so long before my heart and soul ached for it again. I knew if I didn’t take a breath soon, I was likely to lose that part of me forever, and how heartbreaking would that be?

Photo Credit:  Modern Love Photography

About this time I had my very first boudoir session in Chicago. That experience changed my life. Literally. I saw myself in a new light, in a way I had never experienced before and it was transformative. I got to see my images the same day as the session and pick out the ones I wanted to purchase. How was that me? How had I never realized how beautiful I was before now? I was not quite a year post-partum with my third child. My body was definitely not even close to perfect. I still had some extra pounds. I was not confident going into my session. But now here I was, looking at myself on that screen, and I realized how hard I had been on myself, how mean I had been to myself, and I wanted to cry. The woman I saw on that screen was beautiful and worthy of the kindness and grace I always try to extend to others. Following that experience, I knew exactly where I wanted to be and what I wanted to do. I wanted to give women that same experience I had. I wanted to be able to show them the beauty they possess, and that they deserve the unconditional love we so freely give to others, but withhold from ourselves. I wanted to relive that “high” over and over through my art.

So I bought a camera. Gone were the days of dark rooms and developer. The world had fast-forwarded to the digital age and I needed to catch up and re-educate myself. So I took a class. I learned the digital darkroom and marveled at the instant gratification of it all. No more waiting for the film to develop to find out if you “got the shot.” It was awesome! Then I started stretching those long unused muscles that used to work so effortlessly, but had grown stiff and rigid with disuse. I photographed everything: my children, cars, pets, flowers, buildings, landscapes…literally everything. I found that the innate ability I had taken for granted when I was young was still very much alive and dying to come back to the surface and it felt amazing!

Photo Credit:  Artist Jessica Rae

At the end of my digital photography course there was a final project assignment. Our final exam, as it were. We could choose any theme we wanted for this project. So, obviously, I chose nude portraiture. The human form (specifically the female form) has always been my favorite subject, so this was a natural choice for me. Two very brave friends, a male/female couple, volunteered to model for me, so I drove 5 hours to Des Moines, IA, rented a hotel room, and prayed I wouldn’t suck at this. Guess what? I didn’t suck. I wasn’t great at that point, but the raw talent was there, ready and waiting to be formed into something real and tangible.

My life has never been conventional. No matter how hard I have tried, I have never fit any molds. I used to think that made me weird, or awkward, or an outsider. Now I know that is one of my superpowers. I don’t limit myself to linear thinking and I can find beauty literally everywhere. I had a dream to become a boudoir photographer and, despite the many, many naysayers, I made that happen. I made that happen without the support of those who should have been my biggest cheerleaders. I made that happen without a clue as to what I was doing at first. I made that happen when many told me no one would ever pay me that much money for “sexy photos.” Now…imagine what YOU can make happen. ;)

Photo Credit:  Marco Ibanez Photography